


Dragon Age: The Hamquisition

by sysrae



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crack, Crossover, Cullen is Peggy, Hamilton but about the Inquisition, Hamquisition, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I am an appalling dork, Lavellan is a mage, Mage Rights, Multi, THE INTERNET IS FULL OF ENABLERS, basically just lyrics, my soul is literal garbage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-28 03:28:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6313597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sysrae/pseuds/sysrae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Inquisitor Lavellan is Alexander Hamilton, Vivienne De Fer is Aaron Burr, the Iron Bull is Hercules Mulligan, Dorian is Laurens, Sera is Lafayette, Leliana is Philip Schuyler, Cassandra is Angelica, Josephine is Eliza, Cullen is Peggy, the Chargers and Varric are the Company, Garrett Hawke is George Washington, and I am going to hell.   </p><p>Each chapter is the Hamquisition version of a Hamilton song, hopefully to be posted in order. Liberties have been taken. SO MANY LIBERTIES.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mme De Fer, Sir

**Author's Note:**

> Dear person/s responsible for my writing this: YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, AND I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. 
> 
> Dear Lin Manuel Miranda, if you're reading this: I AM SO SORRY, THE INTERNET MADE ME DO IT.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of Aaron Burr, Sir
> 
> CAST:
> 
> Alexander Hamilton - Inquisitor Lavellan  
> Aaron Burr - Vivienne De Fer  
> Hercules Mulligan - The Iron Bull  
> John Laurens - Dorian Pavus  
> Marquis de Lafayette - Sera

LAVELLAN:         

                Pardon me, are you Mme De Fer, sir?

 

VIVIENNE:

                That depends. Who’s asking?

 

LAVELLAN:

                Oh, well, sure, sir –

                I’m Inquisitor Lavellan, I’m at your service, sir

                I have been looking for you

 

VIVIENNE:

                I’m getting nervous.

 

LAVELLAN:

                Sir…

                I heard your name at Redcliffe, I was seeking the right way

                to integrate the mages, but I got sort of out of sorts with a magister’s

                force. I may have punched it. It’s a blur, sir. They manhandled some

                sad elves?

 

VIVIENNE:

                You punched Tevinter?

 

LAVELLAN:

                Yes!

                I wanted to do what you did. Fight and earn my dues, then join the

                revolution. They looked at me like I was stupid – I’m not stupid!

                So how’d you do it? How’d you climb the ranks so fast?

VIVIENNE:

                It was my patron’s dying wish before he passed.

 

LAVELLAN:

                You’d a patron? Of course! I’ve a patron.

                God, I wish there was a war!

                Then we could prove that we’re worth more

                than anyone bargained for…

 

VIVIENNE:

                Can I buy you a drink?

 

LAVELLAN:

                That would be nice.

 

VIVIENNE:

                While we’re talking, let me offer you some free advice:

                Talk less.

 

LAVELLAN:

                What?

 

VIVIENNE:

                Smile more.

 

LAVELLAN:

                Ha.

 

VIVIENNE:

                Don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for.

 

LAVELLAN:

                You can’t be serious.

 

VIVIENNE:

                You want to get ahead?

 

LAVELLAN:

                Yes?

 

VIVIENNE:

                Elves who run their mouths off wind up dead.

 

DORIAN:

                Yo yo yo yo yo!

                What time is it?

 

DORIAN/BULL/SERA

                Show time!

 

VIVIENNE:

                Like I said.

 

DORIAN:

                Show time, show time! Yo!

                I’m D. Pavus in the place to be –

                two cups of Sun Blonde 1 but I’m working on three, uh!

                Those Venatori don’t want it with me!

                ‘Coz I will pop flash-a-pop their god ‘till I’m free!

 

SERA:

                Yeah yeah yeah, whatever, my name’s Sera, shut up!

                Red Jenny’s gonna drink from the gravy-train’s cup!

                I’ll deal with you toffs just to say sod off

                to Croyphemus – Coryfish – Corry –

                aw, fuck.

 

BULL:

                Hah! Hah! I am the Iron Bull, articled,

                up in it, loving it, yes I heard ya barmaid said, “Come again!”

 

SERA & DORIAN:

                Ayyyyyyy!

 

BULL:

                Lock up your daughters and your sons, of course

                it’s hard to have intercourse with your horns near their haunches…

 

SERA:

                Wow.

 

DORIAN:

                No more sex – pour me another brew, son!

                Let’s raise a couple more –

 

DORIAN/SERA/BULL

                – To the Inquisiton!

 

DORIAN:

                Well, if it’s not the First Enchanter of her college!

 

BULL:

                Madame De Fer!

 

DORIAN:

                Give us a verse, drop some knowledge!

 

VIVIENNE:

                My darlings, you’re making some waves –

                You destroy, I’ll employ, we’ll see who behaves.

 

SERA/BULL:

                Booooo!

 

DORIAN:

                Madame, the Circles are rebelling now – what do you stall for?

 

LAVELLAN:

                If you stand for nothing, Mme, what’ll you fall for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This originally appeared on my tumblr: http://fozmeadows.tumblr.com/post/141408703711/dragon-age-the-hamquisition


	2. Skyhold's Advisors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of The Schuyler Sisters
> 
> CAST:
> 
> Aaron Burr - Vivienne De Fer  
> Philip Schuyler - Leliana  
> Angelica Schuyler - Cassandra Pentaghast  
> Eliza Schuyler - Josephine Montilyet  
> Peggy Schuyler - Cullen Rutherford

VIVIENNE:

                There’s nothing rich folks love more

                than going downtown and slumming it with the poor.

                They pull up in the villages and gawk

                at the mages and the Templars

                just to watch them walk.

                Take Leliana, her messengers and spies:

                but oh, she doesn’t realise her advisors

                Cullen, Cassandra, Josephine

                sneak into the tavern just to populate the scene at

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Work, work!

 

CASSANDRA:

                Cassandra!

 

JOSEPHINE:

                Josephine!

 

CULLEN:

                And Cullen!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Work, work!

                Skyhold’s advistors!

 

CASSANDRA:

                Cassandra!

 

JOSEPHINE:

                Josephine!

 

CULLEN:

                Cullen!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Work!

 

CULLEN:

                Leli said to be home by sundown –

 

CASSANDRA:

                Leli doesn’t need to know.

 

CULLEN:

                Leli said not to go downtown –

 

JOSEPHINE:

                Like I said, you’re free to go.

 

CASSANDRA:

                But – look around, look around, the

                Inquisition’s happening in Skyhold!

 

JOSEPHINE/CULLEN:

                Skyhold!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Cassandra!

 

ADVISORS & THE CHARGERS:

                Work!

 

CULLEN:

                It’s bad enough that we’ve got to go to war –

 

JOSEPHINE:

                People shouting in the square –

 

CULLEN:

                It’s bad enough that there’s violence at our door –

 

CASSANDRA:

                New ideas in the air!

 

CASSANDRA & MALE CHARGERS:

                Look around, look around –

 

JOSEPHINE:

                Cassandra, please remind me what we’re looking for –

 

ALL MEN:

                She’s lookin’ for me!

 

CASSANDRA:

                Josie, I’m looking for a mage at work!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Work, work!

 

CASSANDRA:

                I’m looking for a mage at work!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Work, work!

 

CASSANDRA:

                I’m looking for a mage at work!

                Whoooaaah!

 

JOSEPHINE/CASSANDRA/CULLEN:

                Whoooaaah!

                Work!

 

VIVIENNE:

                Woo! There’s nothing like summer with a Circle

                someone in a robe helping some fleeing Kirkwall –

                pardon me, Seeker, I know it’s not tactful

                but your armies look like they’ve never seen battle –

                what brought you from Nevarra to Ferelden’s peak?

                Are you searching for a Circle that can give you relief?

 

CASSANDRA:

                Mme, you misjudge me –

 

VIVIENNE:

                Ah, so you’ve discussed me?

                I’m an Orlesian darling, you can trust me!

 

CASSANDRA:

                I’ve been reading Seeker Lambert’s secret book –

                it’s pretty ugly and I don’t know where to look.

                You want an evolution? I want an elevation!

                So listen to my declaration:

 

JOSEPHINE/CASSANDRA/CULLEN:

                We hold this truth to be self-evident:

                that mages should be held as equal.

 

CASSANDRA:

                And when I meet the Empress –

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Uhhh!

 

CASSANDRA:

                I’m’a compel her to include the elves in the sequel!

 

WOMEN & CULLEN:

                Work!

 

JOSEPHINE:

                Look around, look around

                at how lucky we are to be alive right now!

 

JOSEPHINE/CULLEN:

                Look around, look around

                at how lucky we are to be alive right now!

 

JOSEPHINE/CASSANDRA/CULLEN:

                History’s unfolding right here in Skyhold and we just happen to be

                in the greatest battle in the world!

 

ADVISOR’S & THE CHARGERS:

                It’s a lit’ral battle for the world!

 

CASSANDRA:

                ‘Cos I’ve been hearing ‘bout the Templars and abuse,

                the many ways that mages suffered their misuse –

                you want to find redemption? I want a restitution!

                So listen to my new solution:

 

CASSANDRA/JOSEPHINE/CULLEN:

                We hold these truths to be self-evident:

                that elves and mages all are equal!

 

EVERYONE:

                Look around, look around

                at how lucky we are to be alive right now!

                History’s unfolding right here in Skyhold and we just happen to be

 

WOMEN & CULLEN:

                – in the greatest battle in the world!

 

ALL MEN:

                In the greatest battle –

 

THE CHARGERS:

                In the greatest battle for the world!

                Work, work!

 

CASSANDRA:

                Pentaghast!

 

JOSEPHINE:

                Montilyet!

 

CULLEN:

                And Rutherford!

 

CASSANDRA/JOSEPHINE/CULLEN:

                Skyhold’s advisors!

                We’re looking for a mage at work!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Hey!

 

CASSANDRA/JOSEPHINE/CULLEN:

                Work, work!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Hey!

 

CASSANDRA/JOSEPHINE/CULLEN:

                Work, work!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Hey, hey!

 

JOSEPHINE/CULLEN:

                In the greatest battle –

 

CASSANDRA:

                In the greatest battle for the world!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                It’s a lit’ral battle for the world!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK CULLEN IS TOTALLY PEGGY AND YOU CANNOT CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE.


	3. Hevara Refuted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of Farmer Refuted.
> 
> CAST:
> 
> Alexander Hamilton - Inquisitor Lavellan  
> Samuel Seabury - Mother Hevara of the Val Royeaux Chantry  
> Hercules Mulligan - The Iron Bull  
> The Company - The Chargers  
> The Ensemble - Lord Seeker Lucius  
> King George - Corypheus

HEVARA:

                Hear ye, hear ye! I’m Hevara of the Chantry

                and I present these thoughts on the

                formation of the heretical Inquisiton!

                Heed not the mages who scream revolution –

                they have not your interests at heart!

 

BULL:

                Vashedan, tear this hen apart!

 

HEVARA:

                Chaos and bloodshed are not a solution –

                don’t let them lead you astray!

                These mages do not speak for me –

 

LAVELLAN:

                Let her be.

 

HEVARA:

                They’re playing a dangerous game.

                I pray Orlais shows you its dungeons.

                For shame! For shame!

 

LAVELLAN:                                                                             HEVARA:

                Yo!

                She’d have you all unravel at the sound                 Heed not the mages who

                of screams, but the revolution is coming                scream revolution, they

                the have-nots are gonna                                        have not your

                win this, it’s                                                           interests at        

                hard to listen to you with a straight face!               heart!

               

                Chaos and bloodshed                                             Chaos and bloodshed are not

                already haunt us, the Fade is open                          a solution. Don’t

                and you wanna talk, and what                                 let them lead you

                about Haven? Look at                                              astray!

                the sky n’ the god that won’t die                             These mages do

                and you question our aegis?                                    not speak for me!

 

                My nug speaks more eloquently!                              They’re playing a dangerous

                Plainly your mages abstained!                                   game! I pray Orlais shows you its

                                                                                                 dungeons!

                Are you in dudgeon?

 

                                                                                                  For shame!

                For the Inquisition!

                                                                                                  For shame!        

 

THE CHARGERS:

                For the Inquisition!

 

HEVARA:

                Heed –

 

LAVELLAN:

                If you repeat yourself again I’m gonna –

 

HEVARA/LAVELLAN:

                Scream –

 

LAVELLAN:

                Corypheus is real and he –

 

HEVARA:

                Not your interests –

 

LAVELLAN:

                Don’t claim that you can pray the dead away!

                Why can’t the Chantry see that we must defeat this evil monstrosity?

 

VIVIENNE:

                Sir Lavellan, please!

 

LAVELLAN:

                Viv, I’d rather be divisive than indecisive, drop the niceties!

 

LORD SEEKER LUCIUS:

                Silence! A message from the god!

                A message from the god!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                A message from the god?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO.


	4. I'll Be Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of You'll Be Back.
> 
> CAST:
> 
> King George - Corypheus  
> The Ensemble - Lord Seeker Lucius

CORYPHEUS:

                You say

                my rip in the Fade is a price you’re not willing to pay.

                You cry

                as you flee from my armies and me when you see me go by.

                Why so sad?

                Remember we made an arrangement when I went away?

                Now you’re making me wroth –

                remember, despite our estrangement, I’m your god.

               

                I’ll be back, soon you’ll see,

                you’ll remember you belong to me.

                You’ll be back, time will tell

                you’ll remember that you served me well!

                Oceans rise, empires fall

                but Tevinter’s lasted through it all –

                and when hope starts to swell

                I will send a giant darkspawn dragon to remind you of my hell!

 

                Ha ha ha ha hah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

                muahaha ha haha!

                Ha ha ha ha hah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

                muahaha ha haha!

 

                You say my reign is draining and you can’t go on!

                But you’ll be the ones complaining when I am gone…

                And no, don’t change the subject!

                My reign’s my favourite subject!

                You’re sheep, pathetic subjects!

                My screaming, scheming subjects!

                Forever, and ever, and ever and ever and ever…

 

                I’ll be back, like before

                I will fight the fight and win the war

                for your fear, and your praise

                and you’ll serve me ‘till your dying days –

                when I’m wroth, men go mad

                so don’t agitate and force my hand

                for when hope starts to swell

                I will infiltrate the Templars to remind you you’re in hell!

 

                Ha ha ha ha hah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

                muahaha ha haha!

                Ha ha ha ha hah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

                muahaha – everybody!

 

LORD SEEKER LUCIUS:

                Ha ha ha ha hah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

                muahaha ha haha!

                Ha ha ha ha hah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

                muahaha ha haha!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I REGRET MY LIFE AND MY CHOICES.


	5. Right-Hand Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of, shockingly, Right-Hand Man.
> 
> CAST:
> 
> Alexander Hamilton - Inquisitor Lavellan  
> George Washington - Garrett Hawke  
> Hercules Mulligan - The Iron Bull  
> Marquis de Lafayette - Sera  
> John Laurens - Dorian Pavus  
> Aaron Burr - Gordon Blackwall/Vivienne De Fer (all of Burr's lines are Blackwalls here, except for one at the end)  
> The Company/Ensemble - The Chargers/Varric (they chop and change)

THE CHARGERS:

                Corypheus has opened rifts in Crestwood,

                all the restless dead are up to no good.

 

VARRIC:

                No one knows why all the Wardens vanished;

                no one knows why all the Wardens vanished –

                are they still on our side?

 

VARRIC/THE CHARGERS:

                Nobody can decide!

 

LAVELLAN:

                As a Daelish in the alienage I wished for a war,

                I knew that I was poor,

                I knew it was the only way to

 

LAVELLAN/VARRIC/BULL/DORIAN/SERA:

                Rise up!

 

LAVELLAN:

                If they tell my story

                then either I will die on the battlefield in glory or

 

LAVELLAN/VARRIC/BULL/DORIAN/SERA:

                Rise up!

 

LAVELLAN:

                I will fight for this land

                but there’s only one man

                who can lend me a hand so we can

 

LAVELLAN/VARRIC/BULL/DORIAN/SERA:

                Rise up!

 

LAVELLAN:

                Understand? It’s the only way to

 

LAVELLAN/VARRIC/BULL/DORIAN/SERA:

                Rise up! Rise up!

 

LAVELLAN:

                Here he comes!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Here comes the Champion!

 

VARRIC:

                Ladies and gentlemen!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Here comes the Champion!

 

VARRIC:

                The moment you’ve been waiting for!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Here comes the Champion!

 

VARRIC:

                The pride of Kirkwall!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Here comes the Champion!

 

VARRIC:

                Garrett Hawke!

 

HAWKE:                                                                              

                You are outspelled!                                       

                Outmanned!                                                     

                Outnumbered, outplanned!

                Yeah, you’re gonna need a right-hand man!

 

                Check it –

                Can I be real a second?

                For just a millisecond?

                Let down my guard and tell the people how I feel a second?

                Now I’m the model of a modern mage’s general,

                the venerated Kirkwallian veteran whose friends are all lining up

                to put me up on a pedestal, writing letters to relatives

                embellishing my elegance and eloquence –

                but the elephant is in the room,

                the truth is in your face when the Venatori Templars go

 

VARRIC/THE CHARGERS:

                BOOM!

 

HAWKE:

                Any hope of success is fleeting –

                how can we keep leading when the Wardens I’m seeking

                keep retreating?

                We put a stop to the bleeding as the ‘Vints take Crestwood,

                rest would serve us better but

                we’re outspelled, outmanned,

                outnumbered, outplanned!

                You’ve gotta make an all-out stand,

                you’re gonna need a right-hand man!

 

                Incoming!

 

LAVELLAN:

                They’re beating us at Caer Bronach, we’ll check the eastern cliffs!

 

BULL:  
                Hah!

 

LAVELLAN:

                We’ve gotta stop ‘em and clobber ‘em all into red mist!

 

BULL:

                Hah!

 

LAVELLAN:

                We’ll find a fix with their obits, hope Mythal gives us gifts,

                Lavellan won’t abandon ship –

                yo, let’s close their Fade rifts!

 

BULL:

                Sh-BOOM!

 

HAWKE:

                Goes the magic, watch the blood and the shit spray, and

 

VARRIC:

                BOOM!

 

HAWKE:

                Goes the magic, we’ve abandoned the Flooded Caves, and

 

BULL:

                BOOM!

 

HAWKE:

                There’s a new rift blast and –

 

VARRIC:

                BOOM!

 

HAWKE:

                We just lost Dead Man’s Pass and –

 

BULL:

                BOOM!

 

HAWKE:

                We gotta run to South Road quick, we can’t afford another slip!

                Mounts and mages ride a clip,

                helpless as old magic rips

                the Fade rifts, we’re heartsore as the darkspawn tear the Veil to strips,

                everything has gone to shit, facing necromancy

                I scream in the face of this hierophancy.

                Are these the Grey Wardens who swore an oath to Thedas?

                I track them down, a green glow in the distance.

                We cannot be everywhere at once, people!

                We’re in dire need of assistance.

 

BLACKWALL:

                Champion, sir!

 

HAWKE:

                Who are you?

 

BLACKWALL:

                I’m a Warden, sir.

                Permission to state my case?

 

HAWKE:

                As you were.

 

BLACKWALL:

                Sir,

                I was a captain in Orlais, I fought with Duke Gaspard

                until I was discharged for certain deeds which – well, it’s hard

                to say, but I could be of some assistance.

                I admire how you keep firing on the darkspawn from a distance.

 

HAWKE:

                Huh.

 

BLACKWALL:

                I have some questions, a couple of suggestions on how to fight

                instead of fleeing west.

 

HAWKE:

                Yes?

 

BLACKWALL:

                Well –

 

LAVELLAN:

                Hawke, Varric said you wanted to speak to me?

 

HAWKE:

                Lavellan, come in! You know Blackwall?

 

LAVELLAN/BLACKWALL:

                Yes, we keep meeting.

 

BLACKWALL:

                As I was saying, sir, I look forward to seeing your strategy play out –

 

HAWKE:

                Warden?

 

BLACKWALL:

                Yes, sir?

 

HAWKE:

                Close the door on your way out.

 

LAVELLAN:

                Have I done something wrong, Hawke?

 

HAWKE:

                On the contrary,

                I called you here because your odds are beyond scary.

                Your reputation precedes you, but I have to laugh –

 

LAVELLAN:

                Hawke?

 

HAWKE:

                Lavellan, how come you’ve got no right-hand staff?

 

LAVELLAN:

                Hawke!

 

HAWKE:

                Don’t get me wrong, you’re a skilled mage of great renown,

                I know you sealed fresh rifts beside Caer Bronach’s downs.

                Chevaliers and Chantry troops all want to fight with you –

 

LAVELLAN:

                To be Andraste’s Herald? I don’t think so.

 

HAWKE:

                Now why are you upset?

 

LAVELLAN:

                I’m not.

 

HAWKE:

                It’s okay it’s not your faith. You’ve got your own way.

                I knew a believer who went astray,

                his head full of fantasies of dying like a martyr –

 

LAVELLAN:

                And?

 

HAWKE:

                Dying was easy, for him. Living was harder.

 

LAVELLAN:

                Why are you telling me this?

 

HAWKE:

                I’m being honest.

                You’re working with a third of what your allies have promised.

                Thedas is a powder-keg about to explode –

                you need an extra hand to lighten the load. So?

 

SERA/SOLAS/SKINNER/DALISH:

                We are not throwing away our shot.

                We are not throwing away our shot.

                We’ve been routed from our country,

                we are scrappy, we are hungry!

 

LAVELLAN:

                I am not throwing away my shot!

 

HAWKE:

                Sir –

 

HAWKE/THE CHARGERS:

                We are outspelled, outmanned!

 

LAVELLAN:

                I need everyone who’ll come!

                I have some friends – Bull, Sera

                and an altus on the run, okay, what else?

 

HAWKE/THE CHARGERS:

                Outnumbered, outplanned!

 

LAVELLAN:

                We need some spies on the inside, some freed men

                who might let some things slide!

                I’ll write to Cullen and tell him we need supplies,

                and rally the guys, master the element of surprise –

                I’ll rise above my station, organize our information,

                elves and mages rising to the occasion of a free nation!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Here comes our Lavellan!

 

LAVELLAN:

                Rise up!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Here comes our Lavellan!

 

LAVELLAN:

                Rise up!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                Here comes our Lavellan!

 

LAVELLAN:

                Rise up, rise up!

 

VARRIC:

                Here comes our Lavellan!

 

VIVIENNE:

                What?

 

HAWKE:

                And his right-hand man!

 

THE CHARGERS:

                BOOM!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure writing this qualifies me for some sort of trash crown.


End file.
